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Fatwa CenterDo not blame your parents
Question
I want to ask about few of my psychological problems which are disturbing me a lot. I hope your answers and guidance in the light of Islam will put my mind at ease, lift my depression and put my mind in order.
1) I feel very angry and frustrated towards my parents especially towards my father, the way they brought me up, the atmosphere in the home, the way my personality developed (I am 38 now). I am severely under confident, have low self-esteem, confused and sort of a misfit and inhibited person and therefore developed into a not successful person. Now I can see that my parents never bothered when I was developing like this. Also in my professional affairs no guidance was given to me and therefore I was just going through a profession without any real interest in it. I was developing into a complex and confused person.
I feel anger and regretted about them that they dint guided me, took any real interest in my personality development, my professional aspirations and in my marriage. I am not satisfied about all these three aspects of my life.
My question is that Now I can see, I have been neglected by my parents (I also believe that it was not intentional), so how should I end my anger/hatred towards them.
2) Also I relay feel regretted and frustrated about the fact in life that I have married girl whose looks is less than average. I always wanted somebody more beautiful and close to my ideal. (Good looking educated smart) When I went to look for that girl I was not mentally settled and disturbed about many aspects (personal, professional, etc). Due to various reasons or may be its my personality, I was also suffering from low self esteem and low moods, though I really dint liked the girl fully as she was not close to my ideal but I went ahead. I went ahead with the philosophy that something is better than nothing. Also I could not get engaged to the girls I liked or I had fancy for. I told my mother 2, 3 times that I don’t feel attracted towards that girl but she dint take it seriously. Therefore I went ahead half-heartedly.
Also I missed one or two options of girls who were much pretty and educated (and working) than my present wife the fore I also feel regret and depressed about that gone options.
Now sometimes when I look at her I get angry and frustrated, but I understand that she’s not to be blamed. In a nutshell circumstances or my own shortcomings have put me with a girl whom I don’t like 100%.
Our marriage is 5 years old now and we have a 4-year son also whom I like and love very much.
My question is that what is the Islamic way to solve this ordeal? How I convince myself or is divorce a solution to this?
Answer
Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds; and may His blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon all his Family and Companions.
Do not blame your parents for all your failure in life. It is very easy – Insha Allah – to overcome frustration, incapacity, distrust, etc. You may get rid of such feelings by making efforts because one achieves patience by continuously trying to be patient and one becomes knowledgeable by learning constantly as practice makes perfect. If you do not try to overcome these problems you will remain in this situation forever.
Know that the rights of parents in Islam are very high. Being kind with them and doing all what is possible for their pleasure is among the great good deeds while being disobedient to them is among the great sins.
If you think of their rights, their sacrifices for you, surely it will help you calm yourself and avoid blaming your parents since the responsibility of failure lies upon you not on them.
As for your marriage, know that beauty is not the basis of a happy marital life. Many beautiful women spoil their husband's life and turn their lives into hell and many women who are not so beautiful provide their husband with a happy and joyful life.
If you have a loving, religious and noble wife then do not bother about other matters. However, it is permissible for you to marry a second wife to fulfill your desire of beauty.
We do not advise you to separate from your wife since you have a child from her and, above all you are attached to him. In fact, divorce will affect your child’s life and the love may be gained with time.
We ask Allah to solve your matters and ours as well.
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