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Fatwa CenterAcademic failure does not justify religious violations
Question
My 22-year-old daughter quit education as a result of her academic failure. Accordingly, she feels jealous of her younger brother and hates him as she feels he is superior to her. She accuses me of favoring him and standing by his side. She has not talked to me for over two months now. Should I take the initiative and talk to her first?
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His Slave and Messenger.
Undeniably, your daughter is in great danger for committing wrongdoings:
1. Undutifulness towards her mother, to whom she is obliged to be dutiful and kind. Allaah The Exalted Says (what means): {And We Have Enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment.} [Quran 46:15]
Moreover, Allaah The Exalted Says (what means): {accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness.} [Quran 31:15]
It was narrated that a man asked the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam: “Who amongst the people is the most deserving of my good company?” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, “Your mother.” The man then inquired again, “Who comes next, after her?” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, “Your mother.” The man then inquired, “Who comes next, after her?” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Who comes next, after her?” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, “Your father.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
2. The fact that she has not talked to you, and maybe to her brother too, for a long time. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “It is unlawful for a Muslim to desert his brother for more than three nights. When they meet, one of them turns his face away from the other, and the other turns his face from the former, and the best of the two will be the one who greets the other first.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
3. Envying her brother due to the fact that he is studious and diligent in school. Allaah The Exalted Says (what means): {Or do they envy people for what Allaah Has Given them of His bounty? But We Had already Given the family of Ibraaheem (Abraham) the Scripture and wisdom and conferred upon them a great kingdom.} [Quran 4:54]
Dear mother, it is better and more rewarding for you to take the initiative and talk to her, for the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “The best of the two will be the one who greets the other first.”
Furthermore, you should offer her your sincere and continual advice and guidance so that she can overcome her mistakes and wrongdoings. You should try persuading her to go back to her study, and that academic failure is a mere transient failure that might be a result of laxity and negligence. She can successfully overcome such an obstacle by seeking the Help of Allaah The Almighty, and then through perseverance and diligence.
You should make sure that you treat your children fairly and that you do not favor any of your children at the other's expense; for the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “Fear Allaah and treat your children fairly.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
Her brother too should offer her his sincere advice and guidance, trying to relieve her grief.
Allaah Knows best.
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