Wife refusing her husband's rights
3-5-2006 | IslamWeb
Question:
1) If a wife tells her husband that she will never observe his marital rights unless under the condition she demands, is this the same as saying Talaaq? 2) I recall, a Hadeeth, and I do not remember the narrator or the chain as I neglected to learn it, but one of the Ansaar of Madeenah was with his new wife whom I think was a maid. Having been made used to sharing what her husband is allowed to share in a certain manner, face to face, she refused her husband when he wished to share it in the manner in which he was accustomed to, from behind. She stated that she would never share it until he shared it in the manner she liked, and she further demanded the case be brought before Mohammad who, when the case reached him, judged that, and I paraphrase, "From the front or from the back in one valve only." And I think that his judgement is that the man's desire in this overruled the woman's objection as it is his right to share what they share in the manner which pleased him. Can you answer my first question (1) and verify if my memory (2) has served me rightly in the second? And, please expound upon the Hadeeth if you are able, if it is authentic, what was the outcome of the couple's dispute? Did she surrender her husband's tights to him in the manner which pleased him as Mohammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, ordered her or did he have to divorce her? I love Allaah and Mohammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, and I know that the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said that if he were to ever order one human being to prostrate to another it would be that he would order the wives to prostrate to their husbands due to the enormity of their rights over them in that the wives. Is this correct? I give charity first to my wife and her family...when my Du'a for the increase of wealth is granted my charity has often started with her and I cut in half what I have and give to her with an open heart. She refuses my rights even after I care for her with nobility. I am at a loss for what to do. Please help me.
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.
We did not understand what you meant by your statement "Is this the same as saying divorce"; if you meant that if this expression is of the same value as saying divorce, the answer is that a wife saying to her husband that she will not observe his rights unless he fulfils her rights is not considered divorce, as divorce is only in the hands of the husband. Even if a wife says to her husband 'I divorce you' and the like, this statement is of no value, let alone other words of less importance.
As regards the narration which you mentioned, it is reported by Abu Daawood
that 'Abdullaah Ibn 'Abbaas 
narrated: "The people of the Book (i.e. the Jews) used to have intercourse with their women on one side alone (i.e. lying on their backs). This was the most concealing position for (the vagina of) the woman. This clan of the Ansaar adopted this practice from them. However, this tribe of the Quraysh used to uncover their women completely and seek pleasure with them from in front and from behind, and laying them on their backs (but all in her vagina). When the Muhajiroon (the migrants) came to Medeenah, a man [from them] married a woman of the Ansaar. He began to do the same kind of action with her, but she disliked it, and said to him: "We were approached on one side (i.e. lying on the back); do it so, otherwise keep away from me.” This matter of theirs spread widely, and it reached the Prophet 
. So Allaah, the Exalted, revealed the Quranic verse (which means): {Your wives are a tilth to you, so come to your tilth however you will}[Quran 2:223], i.e. from in front, from behind or lying on the back. But this verse meant the place of the delivery of the child, i.e. the vagina. So, the revelation confirmed what the husband did. Nonetheless, the narration did not mention after that whether or not the woman accepted her husband's request. Nevertheless, the wives of the companions 
used to accept the Islamic rulings. Moreover, we have not come across any narration which clarified whether or not her husband divorced her; in principle they remained married and did not divorce.
There is no doubt that the wife is ordered in Islam to obey her husband and fulfil his rights even if he is somewhat negligent about her rights. The narration which you mentioned in the question is authentic. The Prophet said: "If I were to order anyone to prostrate to someone else other than Allaah, I would have ordered the wife to prostrate to her husband." [At-Tirmithi] On one hand, if a wife is disobedient to her husband, he should follow the steps of treating a disobedient wife which are mentioned in Fatwa 89480. On the other hand, the husband is obliged to fulfil his wife's rights as she is obliged to fulfil his rights, in this regard please refer to Fataawa 83157 and 88304.
Finally, it should be noted that both spouses should be keen to do whatever leads to the stability of the family [and marital life] and avoid any reasons of dispute, and be wise when some problems happen in order to avoid any unpleasant consequences like divorce and the like.
Allaah Knows best.