Divorced wife with children suffers many problems
17-11-2004 | IslamWeb
Question:
I am a mother who has been taking care of my three kids by myself. I work, go to school and live with my parents. I divorced my husband after he left us 3 years ago. I am suffering from depression, anxiety, and anger. I am too worried about the way I am raising my kids, since I already see signs of disobedience, falling grades in school, laziness and carelessness mostly in my 10-years-old son. I can't help control myself and the anger with my kids when they misbehave. I hit them and scream at them when they don't listen to me. They remind me of my x-husband, who always seemed stupid and unfair to me, and I shout at them to make them obey, but they don't. I threaten them to send them away so I won't end up loosing my control and sending them to their father who isn't bothering with them at all. I keep scaring them that no one will care about them like me. My parents are fed up with me and my kids, and the way I treat them. They keep telling me that I won't be able to raise them by myself. They are telling me that I have to send them away to live with their father who doesn't care at all about any thing but himself. He is married now, has a family and a daughter. He didn't contact his kids since the day we were separated. He never knew what his kids are doing or how they are raised, not even when he was living with them. I used to do every thing for them by myself. he never asked about their health, school, or any thing, I can't send them there, I will loose them if that happened. He is so mean. I am afraid he will prevent them from seeing me if I do. My parents keep nagging on me to send them and if they fail in school or they misbehave then everybody will blame me for leaving them. Even my parents say, and what ever happens to them is his fault and responsibility. I can't wait and see my kids be drug addicts or loosers in school. He lives in Egypt and there, there are no laws, no one can take care of them like I do. But I am also dieing here with them, I can't take care of my self or them. They learned to be angry with each others. I have to say that the reason I couldn't live with their dad is that because I knew someone before him and we did the unforgivable act, but I asked Allaah for forgiveness long before I met my x-husband but because I wanted to be honest with him and tell him the truth before we got married he never accepted it, he never loved me or accepted me. He always kept it in his mind and that's what he is telling every body now. He is ruining my life by telling all my relatives that he doesn't owe me any dowry or any money or any rights because I wasn't a virgin when he married me. I am clean now. And I have been before I married him. I pray, fast, teach Islamic Studies to kids, teach my kids about Islam, and being a good Muslimah before I agreed to marry him. He is the one who never got over it. He had relationships with women before he married me too, and I never mentioned those during my marriage, why is it that I can forget them but he can't? He sent faxes to all the people who knew us that I am a here and had a boy friend and that I am not good. That isn't true since it was a mistake that I asked Allaah to forgive me for long time before I met him. Please help me, I am suffering from this. I can't find friends who can accept me with my temper and attitude. I am always worried, negative and bored with my life and can't change it. I wish I can do something. I thought finding a new husband would solve some of my problems, no one wants to marry a woman with three kids. Please help me.
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.
You have to know that this is a trial and affliction so you have to be patient. A Muslim could be afflicted by Allaah so that He will raise his degrees. The Prophet 
said: "The greatness of the extent of the reward is proportional to the greatness of the affliction. When Allaah loves some people, He tries them. So, those of them who are content get the reward of being content while those who become angry get the punishment of being discontent." [At- Tirmithi] So we advise you to fear Allaah and be patient so that Allaah will make a way out to your problems, as He promised to do so for he who fears Him. Allaah says (interpretation of meaning): {And for those who fear Allaah, He (ever) prepares a way out and he provides for him from (sources) he never could expect.}[65:2-3]. You have also to remember Allaah as much as possible so that He would take the distress and sorrow away from you. Allaah says (interpretation of meaning): {For without doubt in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find satisfaction}[13:28]. You have to know that the one who repents is like the one who has never sinned, so it is not permissible for this man to say about you that you are a prostitute or any other abominable word. If he says so, you have to anticipate Allaah's reward because of your husband being unjust to you, and there must be a day when the wronged person will take back his rights from the one who wronged him. As regards your children, try to convince your parents to let them stay with you in your home for the sake of the children's benefit. Do your best in trying to convince them by any correct means, like seeking the intercession of pious, righteous and wise people of your family. Finally, we would like to draw your attention to the following matters:
Firstly, it is an obligation on you to provide for your children as long as their father is absent, and has not left any money that you could make use of. Nonetheless, it is permissible for you to ask your husband to refund you the money that you spent in his absence, if you wish to do so according to the most preponderant opinion of the scholars.
Secondly, you have to be keen on bringing up these children according to Islaamic morals and principles, and be patient about their misbehaviour which is very likely at this age.
Thirdly, if a Muslim is afflicted by committing some sins, it is not permissible for him to inform anyone about them, but rather he has to conceal himself.
Fourthly, you have to ask Allaah as much as possible to grant you a pious husband and there is no harm on you in seeking the help of your female friends or relatives and so forth.
Allaah knows best.