How to deal with an abusive disabled father
19-11-2015 | IslamWeb
Question:
Assalaamu alaykum. Last year, my parents, me and my brothers found out that my sister was pregnant without having a husband and, since then, my father has been a horrible man. He has always been verbally abusive ever since I can remember, but he has gotten to the point in which none of us (me and my brothers and sister) care much for him. My mum is also tired of it, and I do not think that she loves him much anymore. My dad will call us all sluts and whores and he will say things a million times worse. My dad even says that my sister probably is not his. He also brings up religion a lot, saying that he is a good Muslim and that we are all terrible Muslims. My dad is disabled, and my mum is his caretaker (he acts like he cannot do anything at all, so he treats us like we are his servants) and we are on benefits, but my dad never asks us what we want and smokes cigarettes and used as much as he can on himself. I cannot remember the last time that I was bought any clothes or anything because he thinks that all the money is his. He is very suspicious of everything that we do and if I ask to go to my nan or great-uncles' house, he swears and starts talking about them badly and says that I should be helping him. My dad never really provided for us and when he did, it was haram money... My dad also was not married to my mum when he had my sister. I was wondering whether I can just ask my mum to go out? Or do I have to just listen to him? I never ever go out with my friends, and they are all Muslims, we just want to hang out or visit a lecture, but his response is always, "That is how your sister started." Also, my mum has to buy him cigarettes as he cannot physically get up and buy them himself, is that ok? It is not like I am a terrible Muslim, I pray, I fast Mondays and Thursdays when I am not ill, and I give charity. When I do go out, it is to college or to my nan or great-uncles' house to help them, it is never for me. Believe me, I have tried to love my dad and help him and listen, but it is so difficult.
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah and that Muhammad 
is His slave and Messenger.
What you mentioned about your father – if it is true – includes many great evils, among which is mistreating his wife and responding to her goodness to him with mistreatment. The husband is Islamically required to keep good marital relations with his wife; please refer to fatwa 88304.
Also, among his evil deeds is accusing his daughters of zina (fornication); this is accusing chaste women of zina, and it is among the seven devastating sins, as stated in the Sunnah. Allaah determined the punishment for a person who accuses someone of zina to be lashed with eighty lashes unless he brings evidence [i.e. 4 witnesses]. Among his evil deeds, as well, is insulting your grandmother and your uncles, and this is severing ties of kinship.
What is strange is that with all this, he claims that he is a good Muslim while all others are corrupt!
In any case, we recommend that you be patient with him and supplicate Allaah to rectify him. You are not sinful for the hate that you find in your heart because of his misbehavior. But you must beware of mistreating him with any kind of mistreatment, no matter how small it is, otherwise it would be undutifulness to him. The misconduct of the father does not cancel the obligation of his children to be dutiful to him.
For more benefit, please refer to fataawa 87019, 82254 and 23587.
Your father should be given advice in a wise manner and good admonishing about his behavior with your mother or with anyone else, and you may seek the help of righteous people who may influence him.
If your father does not have a sound reason for preventing you from going to your grandmother’s house or to your uncles, then he should not do so. Hence, you should try to persuade him to allow you to go to them, but if he insists on refusing, then you may keep contact with them through the available means, asking about them, and helping them with some money (if possible), as all this is included in keeping ties with them; and the reference in this case is what is customary in your community. The same applies to going out to visit your Muslim sisters or attending lectures; if you cannot persuade him to accept, then you may contact them through any means of communication and benefit from knowledge through the various means available today, praise be to Allaah.
Smoking is prohibited as underlined in fatwa 81589, so it is not permissible to help him smoke with any kind of help, Allaah says (what means): {And cooperate in righteousness and piety, but do not cooperate in sin and aggression. And fear Allaah; indeed, Allaah is severe in penalty.} [Quran 5:2] So, he should be apologized to gently.
Also, the husband is obliged to spend on his wife and on his poor children who do not have any money according to his ability; Allaah says (what means): {Let a man of wealth spend from his wealth, and he whose provision is restricted - let him spend from what Allaah has given him. Allaah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has given it. Allaah will bring about, after hardship, ease.} [Quran 65:7]
It is not permissible to eat from his absolutely unlawful money except for a necessity, but if his money is a mixture of ill-gotten money and lawful money, then it is only disliked to eat from it and not forbidden. For more benefit, please refer to fataawa 87680and 91257.
Allaah knows best.